Mallnitz

February, so often a month in limbo as everyone starts to recover from winter and look forward to spring with not much else taking place other than cheering on England and Wales in the 6 nations. As well as watching the world's second best sport this year it was Winter Olympics, and more importantly the chance to try some of it myself, skiing in Mallnitz Austria. Right up until the point I had my stuff packed and stepped foot on the coach I never thought i'd actually be going. A few months ago Alex, head of PE at our school asked me if I was interested in going on the trip. I said i'd loved to but thought nothing more of it as if I'd be one of the options open to him for staff to go with the students. The following week he asked me for my passport number, head, foot and leg size and gradually I started getting excited. More weeks later and it was meetings regarding the trip, ordering the EHIC card and trying on the green hoodies that we'd be wearing (and that i'm wearing as I type this.) After the training runs at Bracknell there was a week to go and we'd be on our way, this was actually going to happen! :)

Final Friday of the term and we came to school dressed in all the gear with bags packed. The kids on the trip had the choice of coming in late to school to avoid all faffing around in getting their own gear in. Wheeling the suitcase down the corridors with some of the others we started to get knowing looks and comments of people wishing they'd signed up for the trip as well. The 8 staff going all had their jobs to do as the kids started to filter in, passports, EHICs, medication, various paperwork and dosh all had to be sorted out before going, couldn't help thinking back then the amount of time it must have taken to get this thing organised. The worst bit is that Alex who had organised it would be unable to ski due to an operation he'd had a couple of weeks before, all this work for no slope time! Around 2 ish the coach rolled up, the 8 of us had our group of 6 students who we'd be registering for the duration with us all sorted out and off we went. The 5 blokes had snagged the back seat of the bus, despite 2 6 foot 5 plus guys in the group though Alex took the coveted middle seat because of his op with me and Barnesy flanking him as best we could, we pretty much needed a shoe horn to get us both in! The start of 26 hours of travelling to get there...
The drive to Dover was easy enough, the ferry crossing was the biggie though as after an hour or so on the water the message came through that we had to turn back due to technical difficulties, despite the fact we saw what we thought was the French coast. Despite this around 20 minutes later we heard that we were on the final approach to Dover! I later found out from the old one that the real reason our ferry and one of the others had to turn back was due to several people dying out on the channel, not sure how or why, especially as the waters didn't seem that bad when we were out but just glad we made it through. We did however lose a lot of time which ended up mucking things up later on. What with that and the busy German Auto-bahns we'd end up 4 hours later than planned. When it was the wee small hours of the morning the lights went out on the coach and most people managed to get some sleep but when you're 6 foot 6 in a chair with no leg room and too small a headrest flanked by a rower and a rugby player chances of sleep largely go out the window...

Although someone once said it's often the journey not the destination that counts i'm drawing a line under that as it was a coach and ferry journey (which sucked apart from a few good DVDs played on route) and SKIING was the destination.

Eventually we end up in beautiful Austria. My first attempt at brushing up on my German wasn't great as it was in a service station after zero sleep in a rather confusing toilet, one of those all in one things with sensors and stuff, something way too complicated when you're knackered and listening to a foreigner trying to give you instructions. Suddenly every one on the coach was wide awake in anticipation regardless of how much sleep they'd had. Despite a crap journey the kids were behaving great, a good thing as James, the rower sat next to me obviously doesn't function well without much sleep as he was pretty cranky at this point... The roads were becoming typical Austrian, steep nd windy with stunning views. This was my first time visiting in Winter, for me the best time to see the country at it's best. We'd pulled off the main roads and were going through the various ski resorts until we got to Mallnitz. Far from being the party capital of the world, Mallnitz is home to a few eateries, a supermarket, one small souvenir shop and a wool shop. The hotel or 'Pension' as they seem to call it would be just for us which meant we wouldn't have to worry about keeping anyone up. The rooms had bunk beds with up to 8 in a room, being able to stretch out on the top bunk after that coach ride was pretty lush, even though I had to search for a corner in the shower that I was able to stand up straight in ;)

First day of skiing, on real snow! As we'd taken more time than expected getting there we'd missed our chance to get booted up so had to do so early the following morning. Our boots, skis, poles and helmets would be ours for the week, all of mine seemed twice the size of most people except Barnesy who probably gave Alex my name as a suggestion for the trip as I help look after his Basketball group. We were split into four groups; group 1 were those who had skied before, group 2 were the best of the Bracknell practise slope bunch, group 3 the worst from that group and group 4 had never worn a ski boot in their lives. I was happily with group 3 as I hadn't quite mastered what I'd needed from Bracknell so felt more than comfortable where I was. We were put with Pezi our instructor for the week, top dog and owner of a beaut of a moustache. He's the sort of bloke that is very grouchy when you don't do as you're told but the best when you get it right and proceeded to deal out a huge portion of whoop ass and praise in equal measure. The day started on the most gentlest of slopes and apart from the odd tumble here and there, no worries.

Day two and the snow came in droves. Despite being surrounded with the stuff the sheer volume of it that day meant the coach was snowed out and the Ankogel ski school itself was completely closed. The day's skiing then was replaced by snow ball fights and snowmen & women making, there was hardly a moan from any of the students due to the fact half of them were really tired and the appeal of being surrounded by thick snow was still very much there so the thought of a snowball fight more than made up for a day off the slopes. It ended up with which snowman had the biggest snow gentleman's region and which snow lady had the biggest boobs (naturally) followed by all of them getting kicked down once the winner had been picked.

Day three at the glacier, a day i'd been looking forward to since it had been mentioned despite the fact it would come a day too soon in my opinion. The day missed yesterday was unfortunate, especially for groups 3 and 4 which needed the practice more than most. After only 1 day on proper snow we were now facing many more challenges. The day started off in giant lifts which seemed to take for ever to get to the ski slopes proper, I still have no idea how high up we eventually got to. The resort at the glacier was a hive of activity. As well as the button lifts that we were all pretty much savvy in using we now had the dreaded T lift, seat lift and gondolas. For those not in the know, here's what they all are: -

Button lift - a small seat the size of a frizbee. It comes around on a little relay, you take hold of the seat, point your skis forward, put the seat between your legs and off you go.

T-lift - a bigger version of the button lift, designed to take two people. Pick a side, hold onto the middle bit with one hand and hold your poles with the other.

Seat lift - the most daunting I reckon! A gate open, 4 people ski forward and line up together. the seat comes behind you, you sit down, pull down the safety bar and off you go. The worst bit is when the thing stops with you hanging over a big drop, especially if it starts swaying.

Gondola - Enclosed lift thingy which takes you to the highest point of the mountain. Loved it as you get to take pictures of all the great views without feeling unsafe.

The problems faced by my group and group 4 were the ability to turn whilst skiing. Still a relatively new concept to us, turning involved leaning away from the mountain with your knees pointing towards the slope, basically if you want to turn left then you lean right and vice versa. The premise was easy enough but the practise was a lot trickier for all concerned. Pezi was getting increasingly kranky as we took turns falling over. At one point I fell over 9 times whilst trying to follow my group down the mountain. I always had to stay at the back in case anyone got into trouble, the problem was my skiing ability was the same as there's so getting to them and stopping was a nightmare. I have to admit to cursing a fair bit at that point! Despite the fact I thought no one could hear me, I guess the echoes in the mountains were heard by quite a few as i'd had just about enough of skiing at that point. Pezi gave me a knowing look on our one go on the seat lift and tried to console me by giving me various tips to help me out. A very tricky day on the slopes and, like I said earlier, a day too soon in my opinion. Despite one hell of a lot of aggro I'll only be taking good memories away from it though as it was a truly beautiful place and in the last few minutes of skiing there I was starting to get it. Skiing down that final slope with no tumbles was an epic feeling.

The entertainment that night was karaoke at the one bar in Mallnitz. Good in two ways, another entry in the book as I have never done it before and also in the fact my performances seemed to go down well with my lot and the students! Plenty of great tracks to choose from but I ended up with Born to be wild by Steppenwolf, Ring of fire by Johnny Cash and a trio with two of the girls doing American Pie by Don McClean. It's lucky they were with me as that's a long old song and I completely forgot how the intro went!

Next day we find out we're back at Ankogel and will be for the rest of the trip, great news for the lower groups as well as groups 1 & 2 who were about to be let loose on the mountain proper. The weather was pretty dire all day, I already knew my ski jacket wasn't water proof and that i'd be soaked by the end of the day but not how much i'd enjoy the day. After an hour or so (and a painful bump off the T lift) something clicked for me and I started to 'get it'. Pezi had been giving us the same instructions about leaning into the corner and standing up at the right time and, for some reason, I eventually got it! From that point on there would be no more falling over unless I was showing the kids how to get upright again. I was able to move from doing the 'snow plough' stance into the holy grail of 'parallel skiing' where both skis point the same way and are closer together for more speed. While most of my group were picking it up as well, I still had that hardcore bunch who were still lacking that bit of confidence and/or ability so I couldn't race down the mountain as quick as i'd like. The favourite member of my group continued to entertain in how fearless he was on the mountain. Despite being a royal pain and the one student I was dreading on the trip he quickly became the one student who always cracked me up. On one section of the slope which involved going over loads of bumps he managed to fly down with the ominous cry of "OH NO", flying over all of them and stopping perfectly by the rest of the group, more through luck that judgment but so funny!

The routine followed for the next couple of days. Traditional Bavarian breakfast at 7:30 (think salami and cheese) followed by skiing during the day, tea back at the Pension then the evenings entertainment whether it be quiz night, swimming, disco or the compulsory mid-trip early night. The disco wasn't my thing due to the age group present and not enough alcohol although I was up for any dance that was easy enough to join in. Oops upside your head went down well even if most of the kids and all the locals looked on wondering what the hell was going on with a row of peeps sat on the floor rowing. Apart from a saxophone shaped beer pump and various signed underwear on the walls the other quirk of the Mallnitz bar was the log game a couple of the locals were playing. Premise was simple - using a chisel hammer, partly hammer a long nail into the log then take turns trying to nail the rest in with the chisel part of the hammer (one nail each). The loser buys the other dude a drink. No prizes for guessing who had to skulk back to the bar, didn't hit the bloody thing once!

Final day and only two more hours on the slope. Panic as the snow seemed rock hard, for a few minutes skiing was hard again. The best bit was that I had a chance to have some free skiing. I'd had the offer the day before but had grown really fond of group 3 and wanted to stay with them to get better with them. The final day I took the chance though as I wanted to ski down both sides of our slope, top to bottom without having to keep most of my attention on the group. Ahhhhhh so good. Up I went on the T lift, taking the left side down first and then on my favourite right side. I only aimed to do one trip down on each side but kept missing my group so ended up doing several trips down. Easily the best part of the whole experience, I was really loving skiing at this point. The slope was largely empty with very few pint sized skiers around (I swear they can ski before they can walk in these parts). Parallel skiing from top to bottom, wide turns at the top and smaller ones near the bottom where I was able to open out and get some speed. So, soooo good, I can see how people get the skiing bug. After that we handed back our equipment, final pictures on the slope taken and off we went. I made sure I had my pic and shook the hand of group 3's instructor, i'd really miss Pezi, the guy who's wisdom meant I could now ski.

The journey back, boring but mercifully 4 hours shorter than the trip there. Kids, as ever really well behaved and James still cranky. The ferry back was infinitely less eventful, me and the other 7 played the final game of 'Wallybag', the card trip that had dominated the spare time on the trip. The loser of the game became said Wally Bag and this was also the honorary title given to whoever had done the most stupidest things each day. Harkit, one of the 8 had earned the first wearing of the Wally Bag high vis jacket after forgetting to bring his ski jacket on the trip, other winners included someone who decided to pick a fight with our solid rugby playing Alex, a couple of people who fell off the ski lift taking out a few others along the way and the favourite member of my group for his general Wally bag behaviour since training at Bracknell. I'll remember little bits like that, the karaoke, the way our students looked at kids from another school who were acting like idiots in the Billa supermarket and the log game but the trip was all about the skiing for me. I never though i'd be any good at it, get me on ice and i'm like Bambi but put me on snow and you know what, i'm not that bad at all. 2 in 1, karaoke in front of a live audience and skiing in the alps, loved it.

Huge thanks to Alex and Barnesy for organising it, Pickle, Sam, Sian, James and Harkit for the ride, Terry, Brian and Guy for getting us there and back and all the kids who we did it for in the first place, especially Team Red and group 3 :)

Rossifer x

Winter Omnibus

January and February, not renowned for their popularity due to the shortness of the day light hours, available dosh and suitable activities to get involved in. January is always the longest of months, the cold reality after Christmas and February is arguably the year's most boring month. But a change in the air, 2014 is already proving to have the potential of being a vintage year in the Purple Book. Despite the worst spell of weather I've ever seen this year is getting off to a flyer with the pages of the good book already starting to swell like the tides of our rivers.

Ski-ing

Over the years I've come to realise my body's strengths and many weaknesses, one of these weaknesses being balance on anything other than terra firma. Anything involving movement such as skating or surfing should be avoided, including skiing. A couple of months ago though I was asked if i'd be up for going on the ski trip with the school. Half expecting this to be a joke I said I'd love to, thinking nothing more of it. Gradually though I was asked for passport details and show sizes and then invited to training days. This was really happening, a free, paid, ski trip to Austria! I'd done dry slope skiing before but not since the late 90s and had spend a couple of hours on fake snow so for all intensive purposes I was a complete newb.

First training day at Bracknell, the palaver of getting booted up. Size 13 snow boots the size of moon boots and skis taller then all the kids and half the adults present. A couple of the others were quite regular skiers, ready to laugh their heads off the second me and Batch (the only other novice) fell A over T! The first time over the edge of the junior slope, bricking it that i'm going to end up in a heap on the floor, but didn't. This was doable. A few more times down, doing weird jumps on the way, touching toes, singing on the way down and practising the 'snow plough' used to steer and stop. The next lesson a bit further up, learning to turn and stop, all good, in fact the only time I've hit the deck so far is on the flat at the end of the lesson trying to take my huge skis off! A few sketchy moments on the third training day where stopping suddenly became undoable and I damn near took a few kids out on route to the bottom but apart from that not too scary at all :) By the end of the final fourth lesson all those present were at the top of the practise slope and doing well. There is this one kid who can't seem to pick anything up, we'll have to keep an eye on him... As for me I can stop on the Velcro like substance at Bracknell, turn right and almost turn left. Should be fine as long as we only have to turn in that direction ;) I've heard it's much easier doing it on the real thing so here's looking forward to tomorrow when we set off for Austria and go skiing for real :)

Oh what a Bore and the joys of Bath

The highlight of the year so far might not have happened if we'd have gone for the earlier audition of Pointless (more on that later.) In a day reminiscent of Land's End and the Minarck Theatre, two Sundays ago turned up a complete turkey and utter gem in the same day.

It was an early start. Though being anything other than religious, Sunday is still the sacred day as it provides that most heavenly of things, the lie in. This went out the window as we set off in search of the Severn Bore, a natural occurrence with the promise of being more epic this year thanks to the crazy weather we were experiencing. I'm no Geographer and can't be bothered to Google the correct wording of the event so here's the distilled version. One minute water in a river is flowing one way, then there is a mini tidal wave as all the water from the sea filters into an ever decreasing space and then the river flows the other way, then gets higher, then lowers and flows the other way again. if that account sounded rather un-inspiring then i'm afraid that's because the event itself was. I'd driven 2 1/2 hours to stand in the cold and witness precisely what i'd just described. The tea being served in the local church was the usual tasteless stuff probably kept from when rationing was still in use and the non-event itself was crap. On the news previous bores had people surfing behind them on a big swell of water. Ours was apparently A 5 STAR one, I hate to imagine what a 1 star would have looked like. We waited around with a few other hardy souls watching the water gradually rise until we all got bored and moved on. A delightful opportunity of a lay in wasted for this? Not happy...

Still, the day wasn't over, on we went to Bath. The 'bore' at Minsterworth may have turned into another Statue of Liberty and Lands End in that I could say I've seen it but wouldn't rush back but Bath would prove to be my Minack. I don't mind admitting I was feeling pretty cheesed off as we entered Bath. The traffic was bad and car parks proved a nightmare to get into for any vehicle bigger than a unicycle. We eventually parked up, got a map and went wandering. The point of visiting Bath was to scope out the start of mine and the Old one's next Summer adventure, the Bath to Reading walk. That kind of went out the window as we stepped into the beautiful old English town. It reminded me of London in the little details and everywhere you looked there was something quirky to look at. We stopped off for a pee break and found the most delightfully random resteraunt I've ever seen. There were cricket almanacs going back to the mid fifties, a pbloushondy of different styled chairs, deer heads on the wall with various hats on them, it was if the PB itself had been turned into a café. Lunch went down a treat, especially as the loose leaf tea was served in a proper porcelain cup and saucer with milk from a kilner jar.

This tea theme quickly spread as there were loads of tea rooms, each serving several varieties of loose leaf tea, one even serving Oolong! After a walk along the start of the Kennet path we came to Sally Lunn's, a tea room dating back hundreds of years and highly regarded by people who know about those sorts of things. It felt like stepping into Alice in Wonderland land with loads of little room with ridiculously low ceilings. Afternoon tea was as good as anything down in cornwall and Devon with a pot of Russian Caravan tea and the establishment's speciality Sally Lunn Bun that's not a bun, a beast of a thing covered in cinnamon butter, something quite hard to put into words how lush it is. I'll be popping back to my new bolt hole asap, definitely before the walk and especially now I know my joint favourite second cousin works down there. Proof positive at the reason I've fallen back in love with the Purple Book after a challenging year last year. Stray away from the well worn path and you discover places like Sally Lunn and the Hall and Woodhouse restaurant and fall in love with a new place.

Pointless

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name their favourite quiz show and most of them chose Pointless. The once secluded little show on BBC 2 is now cult viewing for the masses with streams of people applying to be on it. One of the purple entries is marked 'appear on a gameshow' and pointless definitely fitted the bill, even if it meant bringing someone along for the ride. The old man was up for it, we'd filled in a registration form a few months back and thought nothing of it. That was until I got a call at work asking me if I was still up for trying to get on the show and said they had an audition space that Sunday if we were free. That was the Severn Bore Sunday and Dad was down to do his 'who had the best football pitch / swamp competition' judging so it was a no at that point. I then had a call the following week with a new date for the week after, 2:00 in Dad's least favourite place, London. The response from work was great, everyone was really excited for us, the first time everyone was unanimous in their approval of a purple entry. I'd been warned by the old one not to dress too wacky and in turn I told him to avoid beige at all costs. We packed our ID, thought up our interesting facts about ourselves and were on our way. Out of curiosity I asked Dad was his fact would be. Opting for the quirky approach, Dad said he was into threesomes as he did various tasks such as going to the gym and visiting the elderly relatives 3 times a week. I was keeping my fingers crossed he was saying this just to freak me out. "He wouldn't", I thought...

Because of the weather causing havoc we left early and despite a bit of disruption got to the venue in Holborn in plenty of time. After a cheeky scone and a cup of tea we went to the Double Tree hotel where the auditions were taking place, looking forward to whatever we'd be getting up to. The other auditioners starting to show up, Dad was amused by the brother and sister pairing around his age with matching tablets, he did his best miming impression of one of them swiping their finger across the screen. He'll wake up to the 21st century eventually bless him ;) Eventually this bloke built like a bouncer came and started faffing around with the keycard entry of the door we were going to go through. I'm still not sure what he was doing but he managed to lock the two girls that were busy munching their lunch. They were eating sushi (only in London!).

A few minutes later the door opened and we were greeted by Amy and Sarah, our very own Xander and Richard's for the day. This wasn't a surprise as with 4 auditions a day, several days a week we would never be seeing the real deal until the show itself if we ever got on it. We all sat around the big oval table while the girls went through the formalities. From the off everyone was made to feel relaxed and welcome, despite doing this for a while both girls had great enthusiasm and genuinely seemed to love doing their jobs. After filling in some basic forms we had a timed general knowledge test on paper, three minutes to answer 20 questions (not all that easy ones either, especially under a time limit.) We then moved onto a demo version of the show, with a flipchart being used as the game screen. Instead of the sound effects with the 100 - 0 bar we'd be making our own as Amy's pen moved down towards zero as everyone gave their answers. The first two rounds we all did on our own, the topics were Chemistry and Countries. Sarah had already let the cat out the bag that Chemistry would be the periodic table so I knew I had a fair chance at both, Dad looked panicked at that one so I stepped up first for that one. "Name an element that starts with a vowel". Quite a few to choose from but which is the most obscure? I went for 'Argon' but the first guy up, our secret ministry of defence hush hush chappie beat me to it. After the guide dogs for the blind puppy trainer went I had a punt at 'Iodine' and it came up with 17 points. Dad was enthusiastic in his applause for me, lacking only a set of pom poms to go all out cheerleader on me. The other scores came in from the Mathematicians, the trainee doctors, retired actor and other pair, most of which seemed to have been born with a silver spoon inserted.

Dad's turn, he'd already outdone himself with his interesting fact (yes he did mention the 'threesome' bit...) and was now about to dazzle with his knowledge of Geography "Name a country with the letter 'Y' in it." The order was reversed and after the nerd / wannabee stand up comic and second trainee doctor had spoken it was Dad's turn. "Yemen" was the reply. Silence. The answer was fine, the problem is that we were being filmed and would most definitely be filmed if we made it on the show so the trick is always to elaborate on one's answers to make the show watchable. After a bit of prompting Dad added how he chose that answer instead of Italy, the country that no one had mentioned yet. Bless him... time will tell whether his comedy genius will be our triumph or undoing as to getting into the show but it's given me and all who have heard it a laugh so way to go Dad x ;)
Final round and we're allowed to pair up and confer. The topic is top 100 BBC sitcoms of all time. Any easy question to answer but a tricky one to come out ahead in. We had several answers but Dad let me plump for a potential 'Pointless', especially as our points on the day were merely to see how well we worked as a team with no prize up for grabs. I went for Lenny Henry's 'Chef' where he plays a grumpy chef who insists on perfection n his Kitchen. I was pretty sure it was a show that had been on the beeb, it was just if it was in the top answer. Bad news, it wasn't! All present made the 100 point noise with everyone else getting pretty lowish scores with classics like Porridge getting really low points because there were so many choices to choose from. I had to Google the list on the way back to put my mind at rest, Chef WAS a bbc show, just not that popular it would seem! After that it was all over. 4 of the 7 couples were asked back in. We were told before that this didn't necessarily mean they were in and we weren't but me and Dad have our doubts either way we'll know by the end of the month if we're through to the next stage with no news being bad news. Time and The Purple Book wait for no one though, straight after that I booked myself up for three Color Runs this year and have had just enough time to type this before going on the Ski trip tomorrow with the school. Mallnitz Austria here we come. My own interesting fact about myself on pointless? Not hard to guess. It described a book which has inspired me to abseil the tallest building in my home town, walk over hot coals, and all manner of weird and wonderful things. Fingers crossed this year brings plenty more where that came from :)

Rossifer x